The most classic tradition of Thanksgiving is not turkey (turkey sucks!), or watching the Lions and Vikings battle to see who can do the least with the most talent. No, it’s after the big meal, after the buttons are undone and the recliners are reclined, when the conversations peter out and a foggy malaise creeps into the room. It’s the sweet bliss of slothdom. And then, someone ruins it:

“The tryptophan from that turkey is sure making me sleepy.”

Let me tell you something: tryptophan is fuckin’ bullshit, and I will not stand for it this year. WebMD has been on this soap box for 300 years, but I’ll spell it out. It’s not the turkey, it’s because you’ve been eating dinner for eight hours in a row. Turkey has less tryptophan than chicken—and blaming sleepiness on tryptophan is like blaming a massive hangover on “mixing beer and liquor” and not the fact that you had fifteen of each.

You are sleepy because you drank seven Miller Lites and a gallon of your parents’ favorite wine (which tastes like Cabernet, if Fun Dip made Cabernet), anxiously stuffed yourself full of spinach dip while your problematic uncle went on an out-of-nowhere rant on Affirmative Action, and finished up your warm-up meal with seven dinner rolls. Oh, yeah, and then you ate three complete meals of Thanksgiving food, funneling so much mashed potatoes into your bloodstream that it counts as amateur taxidermy.

Your body does not know it is Thanksgiving (just like I often forget it’s not an international holiday or really a holiday that makes any sense), so it sounds the alarms and puts your body in hibernation mode, hoping you ate that meal intending for it to last an entire winter. And though you are not a polar bear, there’s no reason to be ashamed, for this is the true blessing of the holiday. It’s the one day of the year you won’t be condemned for transforming into a gluttonous amoeba watching football through the narrowing gap between your eyelids. You earned this (kinda), so own it! Just don’t blame it on the tryptophan.